Dear Internet God

I pray that for every selfie I see, I remember the entire person behind it and that they Know Not What They Are Doing in General.

That I remember for every joke on Twitter, I am asking for approval more than laughter.

That every well-lit dinner party is populated with people who spend 90% of their time eating Ramen and watching Netflix, Just Like Me.

That I also remember no one is having Fun all the time, because that would be exhausting.

That for every Facebook post extolling a person’s perfect life, there is aching loneliness that must be healed with Touch and Cake, and that is where our physical presence comes in.

Give me the strength to not get too hurt at feeling left out, for people have been left out for all of History, and it was only until your inception, O Internet God, that it was so Fucking Apparent.

On that note, perhaps grant me the wisdom to not post everything I ever do, For That is Annoying, and I am Guilty of It.

Grant me the kindness to not roll my eyes at people who post too many pictures of their Significant Other. They cannot help it- it is hormones flooding their brains and they Shan’t Be Held Responsible, the same way I wasn’t when I made those mix tapes in middle school with too much Michelle Branch.

I plead with you, in all your Infinite Binary Wisdom, to destroy hashtags.

Just, why?


May I and the ones I love or even tolerate never be too focused on turning ourselves into brands.

I pray all the unflattering pictures of us live forever, while ones where hair is perfect fade forever as our dying youth does.

Finally, venerated God of Information, bring us closer together. You’re doing a terrible job of it so far, but so are we.